Catching flights.

I’m sat here. Bawling.

I’ve got breast milk I’ve pumped that I have to dump. And 4 more days before I can hold my son.

Watching him sleep through the camera. Imagining him close. Inhaling his little curls and snuggling all night.

When rosters are released, we spend a lot of time trying to rearrange our flights. Doing everything to minimise the time our son spends without us.

But. We also get “standby” months. No roster. Just our souls, ready and available. Day by day.

I’ve been dreading it. D R E A D I N G it since coming back from maternity leave. Wondering how we’d cope when we’d be rostered for it - let alone both of us together.

I felt sick. Siiiiiccckkk. Imagine not knowing if you are leaving or for how long.

Intriguing?

I can assure you that it’s absolutely not.

It’s nerve wracking enough if you’ve got cats, let alone children.

So standby, in the middle of the night. After 4 days off. You know what that means? Legality wise in aviation, it translates to well rested and “legal” to be sent to Mars and back.

I set my alarm. Refreshing my roster every 6-7 minutes, holding my breath. Stressed. Dry mouth. Anxious. Hugging my baby bear tight.

Until it changed.

I fucking knew it. The longest trip I’ve had to do since returning from mat leave.

5 days away. I can’t even.

So I stayed in bed until the last possible moment. Peeling myself away from him. Wishing time could just stand still.

Our nanny arrived. She’s obviously “on standby” too this month.

Once she settled in, she asked me where the baby monitor was. But truth is, when I’m home, I’m mum. I don’t want help unless I’m running late for work and have no choice but need her to take over. So I told her not to worry for now.

I always allow 15 or 20 minutes extra to stop and breastfeed if he wakes up. Praying he unlatches on his own. Or doesn’t wake to me breaking the tightest little vacuum seal in the world with my pinky because I have to go.

Creeping out of the house. Wondering wtf goes on in his beautiful mind and sweet little heart when he wakes up and I’m not there anymore.

Does he trust me? Am I creating a foundation for separation anxiety here? One minute he falls asleep on me and the next I’ve disappeared into the night.

Working. Catching flights.

Depriving him of his most basic and natural need. His mum.

Talk soon x